(written during x-mas 1999, my last year home)


Holiday Hell

Yet again, we drift slowly into the Clemente household, to witness America's favorite holiday torn down to its most degrading form and systematically destroyed in front of your eyes. This is Paul and Ian of the "Revolution" bringing you the latest in emotional scarring and dysfunctional families.


Paul: I was awakened before my alarm after a nice warm sleep, the kind that causes you physical pain to wake from. Mom was dressed in her least hideous of outfits; I knew her intentions were to go out somewhere. It looked like the whole family was ready to go somewhere preferably, without me. She told me everyone was going to the hospital to see my sick Grandfather, and literally gave me no chance to go with them. I weakly said I had to be at work by 2 and fell back asleep. During my sleep I thought about how much I was looking forward to X-mas eve dinner, the shrimp alone made my mouth water. So I called my buddy J to work out arrangements where I could go into work late and get to eat dinner with my family. Next thing I know there was instant strife when I told my parents this, my mom said and I quote; "great we have to have dinner ready by 5 so he can eat with us I guess I can't lay down then!" So I deduced my mother is getting mad cause she has to prepare dinner and can't sleep? I don't get it. The I got the usual Dad rambling on how I always think about myself and can't go through living here being greedy and selfish. I blew him off and went straight to the "Revolution towers"


Ian: I woke up at 9:30 am to be dragged to the hospital.
I did normal morning stuff. At 10:30 we were off fighting all the way to the hospital. We picked up grandma at her house at noon. She didn't seem to thrilled to see any of us. Oh, by the way. The entire car ride both ways, mom and dad wouldn't stop touching the radio and changing the stations. JEEZ! Anyway, we got to the hospital with dad telling Jill and me how matches eliminate fart stench. Grandpa looked okay and was happy to se everyone. Other than that I was completely ignored. We got home and there was a call from my workplace. I said "f*ck them". The message on the machine simply stated that I was not to go into work Sunday niter. Cool. I went upstairs to chill in my room. Minutes later I was ordered by Paul to come to the revolution he. There we comprised this article as Paul made a tape and I made stupid noises...


Predictions for X-mas....


Paul: Personally, the way the pattern is going right now, it's going to go allot like last year. X-mas morning is going to go real bad into the morning. I am going to be woke up in a rude fashion. Mom is going to be enraged about something, and inform everyone she is not going to participate in X-mas and scream to take all her presents back and to never buy her anything again. After we all join forces to calm her down and to sit quietly in the living room, Dad will mysteriously disappear into the kitchen to fiddle with something insignificant. This will enrage mom again, and it'll take even more time to subdue her aging. When everyone is calm and ready to do X-mas Jill will play the ringmaster and start handing out presents frantically, she will be yelled at immediately, to begin more strife. After a few of dad's "ouch for me...?" and mom's "this isn't my size you'll have to take it back" mas will be over just like the ones before and all the
Ones to come.


Ian: though I agree with Paul on some points (Jill, and parents' comments), mom will not threaten to quit Christmas. She did hat earlier his week and got it out of her system. Mom and dad will get along with everyone. Paul will be awaken rudely. Mom will meekly fret over something and be a mouse the entire morning except for her mild strife less complaints, ie "[tsk] Bob, why are you doing that? That's dumb" etc. etc. everyone will make lame jokes except Paul and most likely me. Paul will be tired, low-key, and treat everyone like shit and indifferently accept his gifts. I will try to get along with Paul while trying not to crate strife with parents, which is relatively impossible. Dad will get real friendly and goofy when grandma and grandpa (his parents, also known as nana and pop pop) arrive. Mom will disapprove of everything they say and do but hide it all behind that plastic smile. When they are gone, she will complain about everything they did …