This week I had an idea. While rare and terrifying, I decided to act on it and compose my dream Hollywood Squares lineup. At first when talking about this to Ian, he decided to create the best "show" he could make with a healthy balance of flamboyancy, and comedic timing. I trans mutated the idea into basically the 9 people I would love to see on TV interacting at the same time; a entertainment perfect storm so to speak. So above, is my line up for my Hollywood Squares show, that would have to last probably over 3 hours, with lots of shouting and possibly the police being involved.
Top Left Square: Neil Hamburger:
With is tasteless jokes, combined with his tasteless sounds Neil Hamburger is the perfect choice to occupy a square for me. I can only envision his scotch soaked corner as he would shriek his "What do you get when you cross a (something) with (something) jokes." Guaranteed to offend Dr. Cosby, and possibly a planned (or unplanned) attack from Andy Kaufman, Mr. Hamburger was a no brainer for this amazing collection of talent.
Top Middle Square: Daniel Tosh:
Probably the funniest man around right now. With so many shows now either reality series of a job I don't care about, or interchanging midgets in everyday situations, its very tough to find a show to fall in love with now a days. Daniel Tosh has taken a very tired concept of showing web clips, and making it actually funny. He reminds me of a "white Dave Chappelle" where is comments are over the line, but hilarious. He pulls no punches on race, religion, and even makes gay jokes about himself. Tosh.0 is by far the funniest show on TV right now, and I hope he finds his well deserved success wherever he ends up.
Top Right Square: Iron Sheik:
The ultimate wild card. In case you don't know the Iron Sheik was a popular wrestler in the 80's who took up an Iranian gimmick (he IS Iranian as well). He fought all the greats, Hogan, Backlund, Slaughter, and other top draws. He was wrestling royalty, a perfect heel, and inventor of the camel clutch. Now ... not so much. He is a habitual addict, and constant disruptive clusterf*ck. His reality is permanently damaged, and stuck in 1980. His public appearances are you-tube legend with his sudden unprovoked violence, his curse laden mouth laced with horrible homophobia, and challenges to fictitious wrestling matches staged in places that do not exist. In my opinion his hair trigger temper, and conscious free ramblings would make him an amazing guest on my Hollywood Squares.
Left Middle Sqaure: Dave Chappelle:
Dave Chappelle is one of the funniest humans on the planet, bottom line. I can still watch the same old episodes of his show, or stand up, and laugh like it was the first time seeing it. Dave's humor is one of a kid, and now is copied with basically every black guy with a Corleone hat. Dave would be less interested in the questions, and more effort telling Daniel Tosh that he's gay, and laughing at the Iron Sheik accidentally using the N word. Easy choice.
Center Square: Rip Taylor:
Probably the easiest decision to make. Rip would charm the audience, and host with his charismatic demeanor. His presence would be the glue to make the show work. If I have to explain any more, this must be your first time on the site, and in that case Welcome to construxnunchux.com
Right Middle Square: Andy Kaufman:
It would be tough to tell which Andy would show up to my show, Latka, Tony Clifton, Wrestling Champion, or anything else that he would think is funny for the show. I would almost want the Latka persona on the show since his comedic genius is second to none. Having him not understand the rules, and answer wrong constantly would put all other contestants in stitches. Then I would only hope that he stages a physical confrontation with another guest on the show, making everything uncomfortable for a few minutes as I would imagine the authorities would cart him off.
Left Bottom Square: Dr. Bill Cosby:
Although on the bottom, it holds no merit to the man who occupies this square. Comedian, motivational speaker, and consummate gentleman Bill Cosby has done it all. This man can make a facial expression and make you burst into laughter, he is the perfect guest for my show. He would become offended with the comedy sty lings of his other hosts, but would have an intelligent point of view, and his mystery doctorate would make him an almost automatic "agree" for any question.
Middle Bottom Square: Tad Ghostal (aka Space Ghost):
I did peg Space Ghost to be the host of my show due to his vast experience hosting, and maintaining such madness, but I though his comedy would be better displayed as a guest. Space Ghost hosted his talk show "Coast to Coast" for an amazing 10 years, which is longer than most people still clinging to a career today. I am not too sure of Tad's level concentration for the duration of the game, but what I do know is that he will handle back-sass with his trusty arm laser.
Left Bottom Square: Bill Murray:
I would imagine Bill Murray not saying much during the show being a one man island of funny. Bill Murray is another man who doesn't need to try hard to be funny at all, he just is. He can read an informational pamphlet on flight patterns of white pelicans, and make you laugh until your eyes tear. Besides arguably Dr. Cosby, the biggest star on the show and possibly the dark horse to really stand out and take over the show.
Host: George Zimmer:
Possibly the best voice in the business. His calming presence would not detract at all from the show, but command attention when asking the questions. I don't see his being rattled easy by being confronted by Sheik, or getting told his beard is gay from Tosh. All class, all the time.
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