We are retooling, and coming back strong. Check back May 2011. Until then, please enjoy Gay Robot.
Cats are evil. They will suck out your breath when you are sleeping (source: Cat's Eye, 1985). They dont nap. They wait for you to get comfortable and then they throw up on the floor and stare at you until you clean it up. Even their food smells wretched. Sheba has a known link to terrorist organizations. These are facts. #getyourmindrightAlso, they'll drink your beer and run up your electricity when youre busy working for the man.
source:
(what a foul beast)
the end.
Lea Thompson should be in jail.
...for beastiality.
first one who knows what the heck im talking about gets a construxnunchux.com bumper sticker.
In terms of the greatest things that ever happened in your life, if given a top 25, at least one of the following programs (all Nickelodeon) better be listed in that list or your humanity is in question.
Whether it may be the nicktoons line-up that debuted in 1991, or the ever-so-awesome SNICK
line-up that debuted in the fall of 1992,
these were some epic pieces of television.
Ren and Stimpy -- I'm sure watching this cartoon today may cause some serious damage to the old brain cells, but in your youth, Ren and Stimpy was enthralling television. From the all-too-epic anthem to the hit game "Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence" to the mind-numbingly simple "Happy Happy Joy Joy", Canadian animator John Kricfalusi hit pay dirt.
The lead characters, Ren Hoek and Stimpson J. Cat were two loving, and at
times, excruciatingly painfully over-the-top dog/cat combo that were epic displays of lunacy and dimwittedness that can barely be held comparable, even in today's simplistic television landscape.
Canaan's banana sandwich scale of awesomeness:
4.25 Banana Sandwiches
Hey Dude -- From the ridiculous to the sublime, Hey Dude was a straight forward and earnest (no, I didnt say Mr. Earnst) lighthearted sitcom (but with tinges of dramedy at times) about a cityslicker heading out west to take over a dude ranch entitled "Bar None." Hey Dude was Nickelodeon's first foray into live action television programming and it was a relative hit with its limited audience. The cast was a bunch of no-names and never will be's (outside of an awesome cameo of Mr. Earnst in "Erin Brockovich"), except for the breakout star of the show, a young Christine Taylor (Brady Bunch Movie, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc). This show was pretty friggin' awesome...even if Ted's native american friend was annoying as all shit.
Canaan's banana sandwich scale of awesomeness:
2.50 Banana Sandwiches
Are You Afraid of the Dark? -- The SNICK line up was nickelodeon's attempt at a prime time line-up in the same vein as the popular TGIF that was ABC. The Canadian/American mashup of slight comedy and horror, AYFOTD? was an excellent bring back to those cheap paperback horror short story collection books you used to read in elementary school that made you almost crap your pants. The best episodes involved Zebo the Clown, or the mall that was setup like a pinball game. Zebo the Clown was the cause of wetbeds in a lot of households across the USA in 1991-1992--theres no doubt about it.
The best part: episodes are easily watchable on youtube--still quality as ever.
Canaan's banana sandwich scale of awesomeness:
3.75 Banana Sandwiches
Guts--Anybody who was anybody wanted to take stab at the Aggrocrag--and Moira Quirk. They both had steep peaks and had something foreign about them that screamed "climb on me." Guts was a simpler, more straight to the point version of Legends of the Hidden Temple, but didn't have some fruitcake in a pair of super tight khaki shorts yelling at you to assemble your monkey faster. Plus, Guts had Mike O'Malley as the host, which is pretty badass. Oh, and Moira Quirk.
Canaan's banana sandwich scale of awesomeness:
2.75 Banana Sandwiches
Clarissa Explains It All--The show kinda sucked, but Clarissa was pretty tasty on the eyes--at least my 11 year old self thought so.
Canaan's banana sandwich scale of awesomeness:
0.50 Banana Sandwiches
Honorable Mentions: Doug, Rocko's Modern Life, What Would You Do?, Double Dare, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Rugrats, Pete & Pete
FYC
Hello Kitty
OCP
Oatmeal Creme Pies, FYC, and The First "Secret Diary of Ian and Paul"
8:37:00 AMcanaan
Seriously, whoever invented these things deserves a medal.
That being said, the induction of the Fine Young Cannibals into the CanaanXNX has gotten rave reviews from the CanaanXNX faithful.
"It's about time some good music made it in. I was tired of nobodies and has-beens getting all of the acclaim around here" noted one chaser. Another chaser said "Ian and Paul have no ear for musical genius--its been quite refreshing reading the thoughts of someone with some musical knowledge."
On to the meat of the CanaanXNX post for the day:
While trying to clean up a lot of the ramblings and incoherent hullabaloo that is the file system for the blog, I came across a collection of conversations between the two former "writers" involved with the blog. A lot of what I read made little-to-no sense whatsoever--mostly crude drawings (assumed to be Ian's handiwork) of Hello Kitty performing some unmentionable acts on a T-Rex...and that was the best of the bunch.
More importantly, the conversations they had about the content of the blog in which they have stated is stuff they like, but I have found out this is not entirely true.
excerpts:
__________________________________________________________
Ian: Owls are gay.
Paul: Tell me about it. I hate having to pander to these mindless jerkoffs [canaan's note: im guessing Paul is talking about chuxchasers?] but they generate hits and we need to get paid, son!
Ian: One day, Pokemon blogging will be popularized and we won't have to deal with these people anymore.
Paul: Seriously. Hopefully, the Capitals will win in the postseason so I can finally wear my Ovechkin jersey in public. Some day, brother. someday.
__________________________________________________________
These sophomoric and crudely-written conversations are pretty much par for the course. I went back and forth on posting this stuff because I didn't want the chuxchasers to think that I was just trying to cause a stir, but, ultimately, I felt it was important for you to realize that I have your best intentions at heart.
I'll have more for you tomorrow.
also coming up:
A special guest writer
An ode to buying american cars
R Kelly
Banana Sandwiches
Now that we've rid ourselves of the evilness that is paul's music, we will be inducting our first artist in the replacing of Andrew WK.
Without further ado, I present to you the new face of CXNX:
Fine Young Cannibals
This Epic supergroup ransacked the wallets of the world and put an emphatic boot mark on the face of
pop music with their first hit "She Drives Me Crazy." While other groups were dabbling in electronic and stupidity, 1989 became an incredible year for moistening your music butthole and letting tFYC have their collective way with you.
Americans were entranced with the powerful combination of "unreal" and "too much to handle." The single clipped the Billboard top 100 almost 22 years ago today.
Canaanstruxnunchux beat reporter Canaan interviewed strikingly handsome know-it-all Canaan on his take on tFYC:
Canaan: When was the first time you listened to tFYC?
Canaan: I remember it well because it was the day I lost my virginity. Once the bridge of "She Drives me Crazy" hit, It was akin to musical rohypnol. tFYC had ripped off my man panties and thrust itself inside for me to remember for the remainder of my days on this earth.
Canaan: yeah, i know what you mean. tFYC is the father of two of my children.
(I hope you guys aren't missing those Clemente twerps, because this is awesome journalism right here)
The Month of April is going to be a special month for me at CXNX. If you guys have any suggestions, let me know via twitter (@the88n). Starting on Monday, I will be having some "Darkside of CXNX" posts revealing a lot of stuff Paul and Ian didn't want you guys to read. I am going to be publishing a lot of the comments and conversations that they have saved--a lot of which are about the topics they posted and how they really feel about the topics they've "supposedly cherished") HINT: IAN ACTUALLY HATED RIP TAYLOR. FULL STORY COMING SOON
