This is my second "Top Tracks of the Year" for Construx Nunchux. Instead of making a big list or a top ten list I figured I would compile a huge list of all the songs I was into this year and break it down to be as small as possible. Enjoy.. Or hate.. Whatev.

These tracks are in no order so..
If you have any questions about any tracks or artists or suggested other tracks from these artists find me on Twitter. @ryannoble66

The Jokerr - "Till I Fall" (Feat. Masetti and Dubbs) 

I was convinced I was obligated to dislike this dude because DZK isn't a fan. I ended up giving the guy a listen and realized he was pretty good. Though he has a dis track for almost every hip hop artist I like (including DZK and Tech N9NE who is also on this list) The dude is a solid rapper. Incredible timing and does his own production. He also does other genres other than hip-hop. This song is very different from the rest of his catalog. I like it so.. Also, Jokerr is the one dressed as grapes.. Seriously, his part makes the track, the other dudes are just his place holders.

Suicidal Tendencies - Smash it

Buckethead - Track 7

Daft Punk - Get Lucky

Classified - Inner Ninja and Wicked

Wicked

Protest the Hero - Underbite

Hayden - Oh Memory

Eminem - Rap God

I can't say enough about TNGHT. They aren't dubstep, they aren't bass, they aren't trap they are a love child off all of them. TNGHT (Hudson Mohawke and Lunice) very literally created their own genre with the sole intention to cause structural damage to night clubs and rock everyone's face within earshot. In 2012 they came out with a small 5 track album that blew my mind and started my love affair with the group. I am so thirsty for new material by them and this song released this year is no exception.

Download it FREE here: TNGHT- Acrylics

 

This latest endeavour with the cliche name is another selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website.  Enjoy.

I first heard of Die Antwoord when the kitschy "Enter the Ninja" dropped in 2010 and I wasn't sure what to think. Then I learned more about the band and realized that this was just an extension of their performance art as a bunch of friends from South Africa. Their follow up album Ten$ion was a genre bending party of brutal tracks, quick flow, and an energy impossible to ignore.

Cookie Thumper is a full on assault to every way you can enjoy music. YoLande's sopranic, manic and very sensual voice is such a harsh contrast to the thudding and driving beat behind Hi-Tek's sound. This song stands alone, it can be viewed as a satire, or its just fun to dance to. Anyways this is a band I need to see live before its too late. Enjoy the track.

Download it FREE here: Die Antwoord - Cookie Thumper

This latest endeavour with the cliche name is another selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website.  Enjoy.

What isnt there to like about a beautiful woman crooning over spacy horror-house trip-hop beats? This lovely lady is opening for the Weeknd this year on his tour and I couldn't love that line up more. This reminds me of vintage Portishead or Elysian Fields with a small sonic garnish. I love alot about this song (if you couldn't tell) and I hope the rest of her work is very similar to this piece. It's all too often that a woman with this beautiful voice gets snagged by a major label and turned into another watered-down pop-star (Im looking at YOU Lana DelRay)

Download it FREE here: Banks - Waiting Game

Ian will be performing a live version of this story tonight!

These are not drills. These are stats we have obtained from TCAFABT (The Cat Alliance For A Better Tomorrow) To not take these seriously is a kick in the kitten chin of all those who have worked hard to make life better for cats. Would you kick a cat in the chin? If the answer is yes, you are probably a monster. We all need to help out with this menace that is growing in our (and my) country. Be a part of the solution, not an enemy! These furry critters and us are to share this planet, lets work together and not against one another!


*Crusade for Action Towards Normalized Addiction Prevention (Also known as CATNAP) is a new movement we have started with hopes to put an end to the growing menace for cats of all size, religious belief and colour. We will be sharing pictures with statistics of the growing concern that is known as Cat Nip...*

Bloc Party's debut album Silent Alarm is one of my favorite albums of all time. The came Weekend in the City which was pretty decent. Then Intimacy which was ... well poop. Their lead singer Kele went off solo and did more poop. Now they are back with Four which -THANK GOD- isnt poop.

Bloc Party is back with the perfect blend of dance-rock which is hard to do effectively. Ratchet is a great song. Great enough to reinspire my affection for one of my favorite bands that lost their way quickly.

PLUS! Cyriak does the video. I am a huge fan of his work AND he loves cats. Check out this perfect storm of awesomeness!

Download here for FREE: Bloc Party - Ratchet

*Crusade for Action Towards Normalized Addiction Prevention (Also known as CATNAP) is a new movement we have started with hopes to put an end to the growing menace for cats of all size, religious belief and colour. We will be sharing pictures with statistics of the growing concern that is known as Cat Nip...*

Last week, we saw Paul's story about taking pills BY ACCIDENT.  This week, Ian does it.

This is not so much memories as it is the Construx boys drunkenly reveling in some rambling.  I would tell you to skip to a certain time to start the story, but none of the contents here are my proudest moment, neither the events nor the retelling.

This band is incredible. They are mysterious band from Sweden where the lead singer  Papa Emeritus is backed by the rest of the band "Nameless Ghouls" and they play melodious satanic metal.

Year Zero is something out of a horror movie. They eerie chanting, the hard riffs, and they lyrics welcoming the end of the world. When you play this an max volume you feel like the demon on the top of Bald Mountain controlling the world around you.

Ths band proves that the larger than life rock and roll persona isnt dead it was just "sleeping".

Download FREE here: Ghost - Year Zero
(mums da word)

Crusade for Action Towards Normalized Addiction Prevention (Also known as CATNAP) is a new movement we have started with hopes to put an end to the growing menace for cats of all size, religious belief and colour. We will be sharing pictures with statistics of the growing concern that is known as Cat Nip...

This latest endeavour with the cliche name is another selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website.  Enjoy.

 You either like James Blake or you don't there's rarely any middle ground. His new album is an incredible painted picture of an emotional landscape told beautifully on an icy wind. That may seem dumb to say but this album inspires alot of lofty and absurd ways to explain the entire body of work Blake has created.

Overgrown is my favorite track thus far. It's beautiful. The theme of "time passes at a constant rate" and things tend to get out of control. He pleads that "I don't want to be a star but a stone on the shore" meaning that he doesn't strive for anything other than consistent and lasting happiness.

If you want something you can listen to that you can chill to, create to, or you just love awesome music I can't recommend this enough.

Download it FREE here: James Blake - Overgrown
(tell no one)

This is a typical Queens of the Stone Age song, which isn't a detriment to their style of skillset but more of them carving a unique sound out of the diluted modern rock pool.

Josh Homme's velvetly vocals drive the remorseless assault of pounding drums and its signature 3 guitar attack. Reminiscent of "Songs for the Deaf" QOTSA just puts out great gimmick-free rock that has infectious rifts and a chorus that's easy to croon along to.

Download it FREE here: Queens of the Stone Age - My God is the Sun
(don't tell anyone)

Crusade for Action Towards Normalized Addiction Prevention(Also known as CATNAP) is a new movement we have started with hopes to put an end to the growing menace for cats of all size, religious belief and colour. We will be sharing pictures with statistics of the growing concern that is known as Cat Nip...

This latest endeavour with the cliche name is another selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website.  Enjoy.

An oldie but a relevantie

The Arctic Monkeys have been very touch and go with me over the passed years. I fell in love with their fun, simple style at "I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor" and since then they seemingly have put out infinite music which have been good and terrible alternating.

This song is incredibly catchy with the sing-song lyrics and and return their classic no-gimmick style. If this song doesn't spend an inordinate time in your head - you might hate music.

Download it FREE here: Arctic Monkeys - Why Do You Only Call Me When You're High?
(don't tell anybody)

As you may remember from last week, Rock and Roll has gone missing. We have heard nothing from him in a while until this morning when we received some strange text messages. There was nothing written in the text but there were some pictures that were attached. Maybe these pics can help us find his location? If you can help us find him, please let us know! Here are the pictures he sent us.

This latest endeavour with the cliche name is another selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website.  Enjoy.

This latest endeavour with the cliche name is selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website.  Enjoy.

Many of you have been messaging us wondering why there have been no updates on the Cat War in a while. There is no simple answer for this... We will however do our best to explain.

As you all know, the majority of our information leaks have come from Rock and Roll. RnR as you know is in charge of cat relations between the American and Canadian cats. Sadly, we had not heard from RnR for a while. A while being a month after the last Cat War post. Not long after that we received a picture anonymous person/cat with a simple letter attached that said "WTF"



Above is a picture that was sent to us. In this picture it is clear that RnR is high on catnip... That's right, catnip. It seems that "Operation Cat Nip" was a huge success. Since the attack is when RnR went missing. Though this is the only picture of him, we have received written statements from cats on the Canadian side that say they have seen him.

"He ran around saying he was the hottest pussy ever" Breadcrumb remembers, a cat who works in the mess hall for the Canadian cats.

"He asked me if I had any nip, and just stared at me weird as he jingled the bell on is collar" Sad memories of the last interaction between RnR and Marbles. Marbles could not tell us more due to personal issues. (Flea bath)

"He asked me if I wanted to find out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll centre of a tootsie pop... WTF does that even mean" Sargent Mittens tells us about the last time he saw RnR. "His eyes were only partly open..."

We are currently trying our best to get more updates on RnR. Hopefully we are able to find him and get him off of the junk. Now he is needed more than ever! If you hear anything, please share any information with us.

This latest endeavour with the cliche name is another selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website.  Enjoy.

This is our brand new web-series. We want to know what YOU'RE snackin on!!! Call in now!

The word "hero" is a subjective term as its reflection of who inspires us or who we feel has benefitted the common good in a way we can appreciate.

Hi!!!! Here's a quick happy annie from Gab (d/b/a Gab Bonesso, B-O-N-E-S-S-O)

Three years on and we're still bringing you nostalgias! This is a re-post of our very first published nostalgia, and our first published post ever. One reason we started Construx is to air these videos we had been filming detailing the twists and turns our adorable childhood took to bring us here. This is the Very First cXnX post. This time, however, we've paired it up with an older version of the same story, videoed about one year before the first "proper" nostalgia. Why did we film it? Were we drunk? Who is the girl in the videos with us? Who knows.

It's finally here!


Our annual series where we bring the weirdest, darkest, and most bizarre parts of the internet to YOU for free!

We started filming this year in May on location in Pittsburgh, PA our third different location (Chicago Season 1, Jamestown Season 2) for the series. The bulk of the series took two days to film and 3 months to edit. This year there has been 424 clips and songs used to complete Season 3 obliterating last years standard of 124. This is also the third year of an original song written for the Lobster Lobby intro

What also makes this season special is that one of our most admired people on the planet, Andrew WK, was kind enough to film with us before his "One Man Party Machine Tour" in Pittsburgh. He was very open-minded, kind, and brilliant when doing this with us and its still overwhelming. Meeting him was a dream fulfilled within itself but to have him embrace our special brand of absurdity was truly unreal.

Personally, this might be my favorite project we do all year since there are no restrictions with story, ideas, or even reality. So please enjoy the newest season of LOBSTER LOBBY.

That's right. "That puppet guy" as he's been referenced by some with whom I've discussed him. I
won't say it was an easy choice at all, even though I had at least three other candidates in mind since our last anniversary. It is easy, however, to discuss why Marshall's lectures on Non Violent Communication have been so important to my development as a human and a communicator. And I will do so in due time.

Every year we collectively choose 3 people who we believe represent are properly fitted to be in the Construx Nunchux Hall of Fame. That's why this year when we were deciding who'd make this year's induction class, there was no second guessing Paul Clemente when the name was brought up.

The time has come again to induct someone into the Construx Wall/Hall of Fame (d/b/a Mt. Construxmore) and my choice is Buddhist (Zen) monk, teacher, author, poet and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh.

If you want to read about Thich Nhat Hanh his Wiki article is HERE. Our picks are, in part, about the person but also about how that person affects us as a whole. The three words on the picture we use for our inductees are INSPIRE, ENTERTAIN, and INNOVATE and Thich has inspired me profoundly throughout the last decade of my life.

Here is the second trailer leading up to the premiere of Lobster Lobby Season 3! Our budget was increased for this shoot drastically but the outcome wasn't what we were looking for.

Lobster Lobby Season 3 is coming this Wedneday? Are you ready?

Last season we saw our host quit the show leaving this season's host position abandoned. With no host, no ideas, and no talent will the cXnx boys be able to piece together a third season?

Although we haven't been posting lately it certainly doesn't mean we've been slippin'. The CXNX boys Ian, Paul, and Ryan are working on the release of Lobster Lobby's THIRD! Season. It will have an all new intro, outro, and tons of classic lobster footage you've been used to. Close to 100 songs and over 300 clips used on this season alone! Oh yeah and no big deal but Andrew WK is on this season's show.

Leading up to the massive third season debut of Lobster Lobby, we are recalling some of our more favorite episodes from passed seasons.

During our month long tribute to Top 10 lists I wanted to document some of my favorite wrestling moves of all time.   There were so many to choose from it was hard to pick only 10, so I tried to select ones that had a small story linked to me behind them. I will preface this with these are listed in no particular order.

1. The Canadian Destroyer

Leading up to the massive third season debut of Lobster Lobby, we are recalling some of our more favorite episodes from passed seasons.

This was a special edition episode where Ian recalls one of his favorite Lobster letters while setting the studio on fire. Yes, the fire was real. Yes, he was filming in a clothes closet in his apartment. Remember it can all be yours for $5.9999

Leading up to the massive third season debut of Lobster Lobby, we are recalling some of our more favorite episodes from passed seasons.

This was one of my personal favorites because of the large amount of Japanese weirdness involved with it. From Professor Himonya, Japanese Ronald McDonald, the Dole Banana guy with Peelander-Z, to Jumpin' Jeff Farmer! This episode has it all! Also Ian's head gets smashed a few times.

here's one that's pretty straightforward.  not much to add except that you get a set of cXnX bumper stixerz if we use your sighting, so keep em coming.  unfortchz, due tue legalness, we aren't really allowed to say whether we think our submissions are actually Andy or not.--cXnX mGmX



"hey guys.  settle a bet.  i saw andy kaufman last week and my work buddy keeps arguing with me about it.  it was at the Dix Ford dealership off 30.

i went to look at new trucks and this dude jumped out from behind one right when i came onto the lot.  sure i was pissed i almost clocked the guy but i was like wait a minute i know this guy it's andy kaufman.  so i laughed and told him i was a big fan.  he's like a big fan of what?  trucks?  me too then started pretending like he was in a truck and beeping like he was backing up.  it was funny and we just kept lookin around the lot.

so like 5 minutes later i'm lookin at a truck and he pops up from the drivers side window.  he didnt scare me that time but my buddy jumped like ten feet.  so we just started ignorin him but he follow us around.  we were circlin this one pickup and he came runnin from the otehr side of the lot and took a flying leap over the hood.  he didnt clear the hood.  so like now a salesman came out and was just sorta starin from the doorway, like he was pretty pissed off.  andy walked off the lot and i turned to my buddy.  i was like, dude that's andy kaufman and he was telling me no no no.



the salesman came up to us and asked if everything was ok and we said yes.  about 5 minutes later andy comes back up to the lot sorta sneaky and starts following us around just lookin over my shoulder and sayin ahh mmhmm yes.  then out of nowhere he says you don't want that.  i said what?  he said you don't want a truck. look at this bike.  it's got two wheels. two!  we tried to ignore him again but he kept talkin about how great the bike  was.  he started singin "infinity mi-iles."  he told us you can't pop a wheelie in a truck and started ringing the bell.  he was saying look?  see?  a bell!  way better than a horn.

then he started growling.  he was talking about prices and shoving paperwork in your face.  he was like thats your name right? thats your address right?  what's you're address?  hey see this bike?  someone famous owned it.  who was it.  he was on tv.  i said was it andy kaufman?  he said no no that guy from the one show i cant remember.  he started trying to force me to sit on the bike and shoving the bike in between my legs saying how natural it feels.  wel that was about it.  i thanked andy and went inside to use the head.

i came back out and the salesman and andy were screamin at each other.  the salesman was tellin andy to leave and andy said you owe me 32.50 for the day!  as i was getting in my truck, the owner John Dix (you know the commercials right?)  came out of his office with a gun... shit.  i got the hell out of there. the whole time my buddy was takin pictures. i said why are you taking pictures if that's not andy kaufman.  he didnt have an answer for that.

He left us with a flyer which i kept it was nothing like bike andy was trying to sell us.


so you guys are the experts what do you think?  what do i get if you post this?"

This episode has tons of dancing and legal issues!

Leading up to the massive third season debut of Lobster Lobby, we are recalling some of our more favorite episodes from passed seasons.

Season 2 was the first time we could do Lobster Lobby together. The original season was done with Ian emailing me random clips and myself editing as I saw fit. This was filmed in an abandoned amphitheater in Jamestown, NY and Ian performed now with a concept of what we wanted the episode's theme to be.

Episode 11's theme was "Ian losing his wallet" and the rest of the clips in the show just happen organically from Paul's diseased mind.

Construx Redux is a lazy way of us maintaining content while we are working on the massive release of Lobster Lobby Season 3. Also, its also a way to show some of our newer viewers some things that may have been lost in the shuffle of our massive collection or original content.

This was a concept dreamed up by Paul to where a man is cursed with nightmares of Peanut Butter & Jelly infecting his subconscious. To this day, it's still one of my favorite concepts we have done. It was very fun to ask unsuspecting people to participate in this strange sketch. We ended up with a fairly high success rate with people helping us with this sketch but I'm sure they were left with alot of questions afterwards.

Leading up to the massive third season debut of Lobster Lobby, we are recalling some of our more favorite episodes from passed seasons.

Season One was always special for me because we did not know what it would turn into. Ian shot footage in his clothes closet in his Chicago apartment and filmed about an hours worth of alcohol powered footage with no real concept to work off of.

This episode is full of awkward pauses, unnecessary editing, a confusing nonlinear plot, cats and my favorite line of possibly the whole series - "SOMEONE IS IN HERE ... GO AWAY!!" The song used is Scholomo's Hotboxing the Cockpit. a song we end up using often in Construx projects.

Enjoy the majesty of episode 11.

Only one episode left!!!  (well, after this un)

This is part two of my Anniversary with the site post. If you missed the first post, it can be seen here..
RYANNIVERSARY (1/2) @ryannoble66

5. Newfie Shot

Possibly my most watched post on the site, this is the Newfie shot. I am not sure what can be said for this. Outside doing the shot itself, this was fun because it was just me hanging out with friends. This post was done because somehow on twitter the Newfie Shot came up, people wanted to know what it was and obviously I had to show them.. The best thing that came from this was Paul and Ian eventually did one with me in honour of our good friend, Paul Laus.

May 30th marks the one year anniversary of me being a part of this site. Before I get all narcissistic I would like to thank Paul and Ian for letting me not only be a part of this site, butt allowing me to do whatever I want and be able to contribute to such a unique and HILARIOUS blog. Thank you both.

Now, I would like to take a look back at the last year of me contributing to the site.  It doesn't seem like a year ago that I interviewed Rock and Roll before officially being a part of the site. Since then I have created a cat war, quit the site, shared an ass load of music, quit a few more times, shared nostalgic stories and had some pretty scary dreams about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I have tried to make a top 10 list of my favourite posts that I have done in the past year.

Emil H.
Pittsburgh PA asks- "Does a dead battery weigh less than a new one?"

Ian: As I understand this question, you're asking if batteries have souls or not. This topic is too serious to muddy up with crude jpegs and hyperlinks. We'll proceed slowly and stoically in the face of centuries of misunderstanding and misleading manipulation of figures, which started with Rene Descartes' famous decree that batteries are merely automatons and therefore have no souls. It's been used by special interest groups ever since as the most basic and base defense for subjecting these magnificent and majestic beings to series of tests, vivisections and sometimes torture, pure and simple. On behalf of the numerous Chux Chasers worldwide, I hit the road on a small budget in search of in depth, updated answers.

"Dead batteries DO way less, but its such a small amount its almost immeasurable." When I approached the creeps at the Battery Preservation Society, that's what they told me. That the soul of a battery is immeasurable, that it's practically negligible and not worth mentioning. I think it will take years of petitioning and violence before we ever truly begin shedding light on our cause, light that's probably produced by batteries!

I'm so mad I can't even continue!

Elizabeth C.
Jamestown NY asks-" Does a SuperHero wear underwear?"


Paul: The short answer is yes. Usually being blessed with superpowers comes with the inevitable curse of having a superior digestive system, and high metabolism. If a superheroes lifestyle requires food or water of any kind, they succumb to the handicap of not being able to control their bladder, or bowels efficiently.

You serious!

The problem first became addressed with Kryptonian superhero Superman, was attempting his very first car lift, and soiled himself after straining to keep the car steady in the middle of a Metropolis intersection. Frustrated and embarrassed, Superman knew there had to be an answer to this problem.

Superman looked all over the world for someone who could create an undergarment for someone with this affliction, and pair it with functionality out in the field. He had to fly all the way to Finalnd to find scientist Vasill Ludellmann. Vastill was very excited to tackle to the project as he worked on a synthetic material to not only absorb, but give Superman enough flexibility to pick up cars, and stop trains.

Vasill created the first undergarment made from Polypropylene, Cotton, and elastic to keep it in place. They were nicknamed JATS, short for the Finnish phrase Jattet on Mennyt meaning Waste Be Gone.

The first JATS test run was met with disastrous results where the solid waste would rip the fabric right off the test subject. Superman went through several tests soiling dozens of JATS all of them destroyed beyond recognition.

The second prototype Dr. Ludellmann weaved essentially steel wool in with the cotton to increase strength of the garment without sacrificing flexibility. Superman's liquid waste was held without incident, but solid waste still proved to be an issue during periods of super-speed where his pernium was irritated by the steel wool.

re-creation of final JATS prototype

The final prototype was a hybrid of fishing line wrapped in fine silk, paired with the cotton and Polypropylene. Superman found the garment to be not only soft, but able to handle the massive amount of solid waste his body processes a day. This final version of JATS was manufactured, and marketed to the few super heroes that existed at the time.

Today, JATS sells over 26.6 billion units a year to superheroes all over the world. The JATS industry, although not public, is a gigantic economic superpower worldwide. Dr. Ludellman pased away after trying to create JATS for nuclear powered super humans, but his influence on the hero community will never be forgotten.



Mandy S.,
Piitsburgh PA asks- Who would win in a cage fight: a hippogriff or a werewolf?

Ian: I want to start off by saying I do not promote or condone keeping mythical beasts in cages. They should be allowed to wander free and continue to mystify us and terrify (and eat) our children. So understand I'm answering this purely on a hypothetical basis and that my response is not meant to reflect or encourage the use of this information for personal gain or gambling purposes. That being said...

We need to inform ourselves of the background of the hippogriff, first discovered in 1965 AD (After Dinosaurs) at the Nuremburg International Toy Fair by one Denys Fisher... wait... Oh sorry, that's Spirograph. The hippogriff was actually created by a mad professor in the early 18th century. And we're all well aware of the werewolf's much more highly publicized origin. The first werewolf ever recorded was the result of being bitten by the original werewolf. No, the original werewolf...

So now that we all have a firm understanding of the contestants involved, let's make sure we all understand the rules. We can assume we're working with a standard size ring and cage apparatus. Basically, the first bohemoth to exit the ring by climbing the massive 16 foot side of the cage and hitting the ground on the other side wins. Let's analyze the hippogriffin's strategy: Since the cage is topless, our first opponent, in this corner, weighing in at 786 pounds without armor, could easily just take to the sky and safely land on the other side, thus celebrating the fastest cage-match ever and disappointing all the paying fans. A stipulation of many modern cage matches (from the 1850's on) requires that "no competitor shall be considered victorious if he be hoisted, lifted, or dissipated and rematerialized to any location or locale, hitherto and thusforth, outside the ring" which essentially states that without actually climbing the side of the cage, the hippogriffin would not actually win but only be standing outside waiting to be thrashed and torn asunder by the werewolf, who could easily leap over the cage, but is equally eager to and adept at climbing the side frantically.



Now, let's focus on the werewolf's cunning strategem: GrrRRRWLOLWWWoowwwRRrraaarrrrrgggHHHHHnoNOGRRRSnfssshhhHarrrll!!!!

Truly brilliant! Well, Mean Gene, I've seen both combatants separately in matches at my local f*ght cl*b, and I'd say that, barring any sneaky tactics from Orlando Furioso or any interferenence from that mummy whose tomb is buried directly beneath the center of the ring, I think both heavyweights here have a hard match ahead and will require intense training.

[ed. note--If you wanted the vegas odds, I'd say werewolf, for a number of reasons, but mostly because Harry Potter is lame.]


Erin H.
Pittsburgh PA asks- Which Clemente brother is the king of awesome?

King of Awesome Belt circa 1992

Paul:

1991 The title was established in 1991 during a small scuffle over who got to play Final Fight for Super Nintendo first. The battle was short, and resolved quickly, but historians will tell you that Paul finished the conflict with his now retired ARM PUNCH. The first ever title was awarded in a small private ceremony in Paul's bedroom under his favorite Metallica poster.

1993
The title remained uncontested for almost an entire 20 months, before the title was put on the line during a heated 7 game series between the Calgary Flames, and Boston Bruins. The platform of this battle was facilitated by NHL 93 for Super Nintendo. The series took all 7 games to determine the winner in a bloodbath of a series that included over 2000 penalty minutes, and 21 fighting majors. Ian's SC1 line of Fleury-Newendyk (Makarov replacement)-Roberts proved to be too much for the Neely-Oates-Carpenter line. It was then Ian earned his first King of Awesome title.

1994

We never met to do any harm

In one of the most shocking events accounted for in the King of Awesome title history was during Paul and Ian's WPIX unlicensed radio broadcast. During a song, the surprise attack of George the Gorilla it was intermittently recorded during the Fine Young Cannibals hit song "She Drives Me Crazy". George the Gorilla surprised Ian with a series of a barrage arm flailing, and open hand slaps forcing him to submit the title after an admirable attempt to fend of his mystery attacker. George the Gorilla was then unveiled as one of Paul's "on-air" personas used to catch Ian off guard and capture the title for himself.

1994

Eager to regain the title, and fresh off what some would say dirty tactics used by Paul to gain the title Ian rushed to challenge for the coveted belt sooner than later. During a particular difficult bowel movement an unaware Paul was ambushed by Ian armed with a moist bath towel. Ian's aim was true and precise hitting Paul in the testicles rendering helpless. Ian ended what was notated as the shorted reign of the King of Awesome title. Paul made a quick recovery after wards, and respected the despicable attack from his younger brother vowing revenge.

1995

seized from 1995 battle site

During a once in a lifetime visit from estranged Aunt Agnes (yes she was real), Paul and Ian were barricaded in Ian's bedroom mulling over how to handle the awkward social situation. A strange mix of adrenaline, and nerves sent the Clemente brothers into an impromptu battle for the title. It was widely considered the most athletically challenging, and aesthetically pleasing battle in the history of the prestigious title. Sadly during the five star match Ian botched an over handed palm strike striking his head onto a nearby dresser. . Ian was knocked senseless from the hard wooden obstacle, and the fight ended almost immediately by TKO. Purists have made the argument that this battle could well have lasted more than a day, and the two combatants were at their peak fighting conditions. It was later that day where Paul presented Ian with a misprinted, and poorly copied issue of the Penny Saver. In attempts to gain a strategical advantage for their next battle Paul tried to convince Ian he was concussed, and his vision was clearly effected by the damage done to his head. Ian, thirsty for revenge, did not fall for it.

1995

Weapon used for 1995 title.

In the first title fight outside of the Clemente household, Ian shocked the world by staging a Super Soaker assault during Plum Aqua's 3rd annual pre-teen party. The attack was said to have been masterfully coordinated, and precisely timed to where the title changed hands almost instantaneously. Paul humiliated swam to the deep end of the pool, and took out his frustrations with a dozen hatred fueled cannonballs.



1996

Dramatic Reinactment

What was considered the most violent of all the title bouts, Paul reclaimed the title from Ian while trying to seize control over the remote control in the living room. Scientists have determined that the hormone levels of the two participants were at such a state of imbalance, which accounted for the high level of violence in this match. Ian was documented as watching VH1 on television where his opponent Paul, in a bold play for dominance, demanded the remote control from Ian's possession. Ian refused and Paul launched a risky full frontal attack which caught Ian by surprise, gaining him the advantage. Ian wisely retreated up to his bedroom to plan strategy, but was followed by a much more svelte and quicker Paul. Paul continued his assault on Ian by administering a textbook torture rack, followed by an attempted slam into Ian's workstation. Sadly, the unchecked act of mindless aggression cost Ian the King of Awesome title.

1997

During this turbulent time, Paul, once again, attacked Ian in an unprovoked aggressive way. Leading psychiatrists say that Paul let the title blur the lines of right and wrong for him, and that nothing short of time would cure his temper. Ian was rummaging through albums in the family room innocently, when Paul taunted Ian into defending his honor. The phrase "piss-off" spiraled Paul into another surprising attack that spilled into the kitchen. Ian, who was not prepared for a match that day, did all that he could to subdue to violent actions of his older brother. This event is known as the only title retention is the glorious history of the King of Awesome title.

1998-2001

This was the longest period during the title defense of inactivity. Due to the aggressive tactics of Paul tainting the title's prestigious honor, and lack of interest, the title remained uncontested for over 3 years. In the year 2000, Paul's unmanageable attitude exiled him from the Clemente household, and Paul went into hiding for 11 months leaving the title impossible to contend for.

2001

It wasn't until the death of Clemente patriarch and inspiration of the two brothers, George Vitai passed away. Paul came out of hiding to attend the funeral, and it was there Paul and Ian reestablished communication. During the wake however, a spirited battle ensued in private near the coat room. It was estimated 5 punches were thrown at a 40% success rate. The battle was good spirited as both brothers punched themselves into a brutal draw. The King of Awesome title was for the first time, was co-occupied by both brothers, and then retired.

2007

2007 Reunion Match

Although the title was retired the Clemente brothers reunited for a reunion show during Halloween 2007. The match was one of the most technically proficient matches in King of Awesome history. Much to the protest of the party host, the battle raged onto the early morning. The turning point of the match was the surprising spiked DDT onto a tile floor rendering Paul dehabilitated. The battle raged outside into the cold fall night where Paul was tossed into a wooden fence making Ian the ceremonial winner of the title. Officially, the title stayed in both brother's name Ian pinned Paul that night cleanly in an incredible match.

2009

2009: The last battle to date.

To date, this is the final match between Paul and Ian. This match was described more of a street fight than a King of Awesome match. This was a short match compared to the 07 Reunion Battle lasting only 3:17. Ian won again with brutal efficiency, and Paul (now 8 years retired) was no match for his younger brother. Ian won his second consecutive match, but officially the title never changed hands.

As of today, there are no scheduled matches in the near future, and the King of Awesome title has not been competed for since 1997. What's next for the long abandoned, but well respected honor is still unknown. I would not rule out a charity match in the future, but the days of competing for the strap are long gone.


Ian: Wow, you've raised a pretty sensitive topic here. And as isn't surprising, Paul has it all wrong in his blind quest for hits! I shouldn't blame him, though, as he may be trying simply to repress the horrors we suffered early on, horrors that led to the creation of an actual King of Awesome title, and accompanying papier machee belt. Clearly, you're aware of the twisted and mangled childhood we endured for many years (some of us longer than others and some of us who have not yet outgrown it). There are an additional two Clemente brothers, as many may already know (the fact, though well hidden for nearly 30 years, was made public in the 2006 docu-drama Men's Needs), Mervin and Elephant Head, so named for his disproportionately large noodly appendage. We called him Ethel for short.

Amongst the facts not revealed in our unauthorized bio-pic was that Mervin refused to participate in our parents' rigid daily training designed to mold us into performers worthy of rivaling only the Dunk Brothers in popularity. Mervin often whined, "I don't wanna dunk!" and was threatened incessantly, featuring such hits as, "You will dunk or you will be destoryed!" Mervin had a nasty habit of locking himself in a closet downstairs and watching Night Court on his portable TV. His wheedling laughter would pierce through our skulls as we attempted to carry on with our nightly game of Parcheesi. Paul and I woke up one morning and Mervin was gone.

The rest is in the film, and the rest is true. What's not even mentioned though is that we did have another brother! No one really knows what happened to Ethel, but we suspect he hasn't gone the way of Mervin and still lurks in the depths of our dog-hair-sculpture-cluttered attic, still misformed and disfigured, but still unconfirmed and MIA. For us, Ethel, for all his humor and sexy build, will always remain, in the world of Clementes, the King of Awesome, where ever you are...