It's the Ultimate Thrill Ride!!! Did you hear that? Ultimate Thrill Ride!!! Ultimate Thrill Ride!!! Ultimate Thrill Ride!!! Ultimate Thrill Ride!!! Ultimate Thrill Ride!!! Ultimate Thrill Ride!!!
This Wrestlemania - as per usual - only has one or two matches on the card I care about. Five of the main spots are occupied by part-timers with no other reason to fight than "just because". Enough negativity, I'm going to painstakingly go through the card and offer my thoughts on each match, and try and predict what WWE will do and what I would do.
WWE Cruiserweight Champion Neville vs. Austin Aries (Kickoff Match)
This will be a great match, and I feel bad most people will miss it while finding their seats and buying Roman Reigns necklaces. They built this one up pretty well, pitting submission vs submission and a nice, simple feud. This could be one of the better matches on the card and build some kind of hype for the Cruiserweight belt. but we will see.
Me: I think Neville should retain the belt. Aries is a great athlete and is already over. He does not need a title around his waist right now. This feud just started and I hope they can continue it through the summer.
Neville
WWE; WWE will put the belt on Aries, no question. WWE loves to capitalize on any fleeting trend no matter the cost. Aries would be a good champion but you can't run a division with only one guy who is over.
Aries
2017 Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal (Kickoff Match)
Does anyone even care? This is the 4th year they have done this and it brings the winner nothing. What started as a great gimmick has turned into "let's throw all the jobbers into the ring at once". I really think the winner should get something more than an awkward trophy they carry around for a week or two. Maybe an IC/US title shot on the next show?
Me: Predictably, the two last men standing will be Zayn and Strowman. Strowman will no-sell some moves and Gorilla Press him out of the ring. Yawn. However, it's the right move as Stowman needs a strong showing after losing clean to Reigns. This tournament is beneath him but he will have a chance to build up his monster character with some strong spots in the match.
Braun Strowman
WWE: Strowman
Me: Rollins SHOULD win but this is HHH we are talking about. The non-sanctioned angle will lead to some kind of finish fuckery that will cost Rollins the match. It will never be resolved because HHH only wrestles annually. This will be an extraordinary match with good psychology and won't be as bad as people think.
Rollins
WWE: HHH
Raw Tag Team Champions Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus (Triple Threat Ladder Match)
Ugh, this tag division is deplorable. The ladder match stip makes this semi-interesting, I suppose.
Me: Gallows and Anderson have been keeping this title warm for an Enzo and Cass win for weeks now. They are the right choice at this point. I can see Vince and company not being able to help themselves and maybe try to pull a break up angle this early for the two but they need the title right now so they can start a program with Revival.
Enzo & Cass
WWE; Enzo & Cass
SmackDown Women’s Championship Match Alexa Bliss vs. Everyone?
This everyone stipulation will lead me to believe that there will be a surprise entrant that may take the title.
Me: As much as I'd like an Asuka debut and title win, the NXT roster is gutted with talented women. I can see something dumb like the return of Beth Phoenix to capture the title as WWE loves giving titles to nostalgic players. Bliss is a great worker, talker, and heel. I'd like for her to retain.
Alexa Bliss
WWE: I can see them having the surprise they have in store win the match or give the belt back to Naomi.
Naomi
Intercontinental Champion Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin
I had no idea who the IC Champ was!
Me: (old man voice) The IC Championship used to MEAN something! Anyways, it's hard to care about this one when WWE has been painting the Baron Corbin picture. Corbin is trash. Everyone knows it. Fuck Baron Corbin's hairline and his dumb face.
Ambrose
WWE: Corbin. For the ULTIMATE THRILL RIDE!!!
United States Champion Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens
Me: This has been the best feud in the WWE in a long, long time. The Festival of Friendship will hopefully go down as one of the best segments in WWE history. Jericho and Owens are incredible at everything they do. I can't wait for this match. Sadly, after what Jericho himself considers as one his favorite runs in the company Jericho will leave the WWE to tour with his band again. Owens will win this match - as he should - in what will be an instant classic.
Owens
WWE: Owens
Raw Women’s Champion Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax (Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match)
Me: In a string of amazing matches in NXT, Bayley earned her spot on RAW in what some people would think, limitless stardom. For whatever reason, Bayley is not working out on the main roster. People just aren't into her. With the elimination stipulation added to the match, I would imagine that Bayley won't be pinned but she will not win the match. Charlotte's body of work, great matches, and being the best women's wrestler in the world will earn her the belt.
Flair
WWE: Jax because Vince needs a minimum of Samoans holding belts.
Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
Me: AJ Styles has been the best wrestler on the roster in 2016. His reward? A match with Shane. Why? Because McMahon. I don't think the WWE can help themselves here. I'm hoping this can open a new angle, debut, or something special but it will be a sweaty McMahon drunk punching the air for 10 mins while the announcers oversell his toughness.
Styles
WWE: McMahon
Seth Rollins vs. Triple H (Non-Sanctioned Match)
Me: Rollins SHOULD win but this is HHH we are talking about. The non-sanctioned angle will lead to some kind of finish fuckery that will cost Rollins the match. It will never be resolved because HHH only wrestles annually. This will be an extraordinary match with good psychology and won't be as bad as people think.
Rollins
WWE: HHH
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse
Me: Further proof Cena will do anything for the company. This match could have left the talentless women out of it, however, we need to sell Total Divas to the audience. To be nicer, this feud really got some legs and Miz has raised his game to be relevant in this match. This will be as vanilla as it gets with Cena winning clean.
Cena
WWE: Cena
The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
Me: Fuck this match. I'm only hoping Reigns doesn't kill the Undertake in the ring so Taker can have a proper retirement match next year. Taker is obviously in his IDGAF stage in his career where he is willing to lay down for a talentless piece of shit like Reigns.
Taker
WWE: Reigns
Universal Champion Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar
Me: This match is a culmination of money, money, and more money trying to bring back the casual fan from 1998. They took the title from one of the best in the company to spice things up. I have no idea how Goldberg is going to wrestle more than 2 mins with this match. Lesnar, should/could/can toss him around for 10 mins and win the belt. Lesnar deserves a fucking medal for making Goldberg relevant in 2017 by jobbing to him twice in the past 6 months.
Lesnar
WWE: Lesnar only because Goldberg is sad and will leave after Wrestlemania
WWE Champion Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton
Me: In what was the second best angle going into Mania (to Jericho/Owens), this is a true toss up to me. Orton has been great and Bray has almost been better. It makes more sense for Orton to win but only by a small margin. Bray can go on to feud with Harper after this program for a series of great matches ... and so can Orton. This is a rare case that there is no bad choice.
Wyatt
WWE: Orton
