His name is Chadhunt Sparkleballs and he specializes in "cat assimilatory regulation and associate fronts" or that's what his business card says.  That's how I found out about him.  I saw his business card in my screen door one day.  It had been cut to fit the card in it.  The card had no number or address, but said, "If you want me, be outside at midnight."  I was.  Chad came out from behind a set of trash cans at the corner and sniffed around the alley.  Eventually he snuk up behind me and scared me.  I didn't know it was him until he introduced him self.  I handed him the business card and invited him inside.  He handed me a video of his technique while he went into the kitchen for some juice and sandwiches.  He had a banana, too.  When the video finished, he smacked the remote out of my hand.

"The important thing here is not to panic," "Andy" assures the viewer in his 2 minute instructional video.

I told him my problem and he listened intently.  I asked him how his business worked and his rates but he slapped the remote out of my hand again.  He knew immediately where to find Squish and went immediately to his hiding spot in the hutch in the dining room.  He scooped up Squich (sometimes I call him Mr Squish) and started talking to him in a very low voice.  He turned to me and said they'd need a few hours and told me to leave the house.  Then he threw the remote at me.

When I got back home, Squish was his old self again!! Unfortunately, Chad had told me that Pretzel Log was "feelin' kinda blue, I dunno" and that "it wouldn't be easy" but he was willing to fix him too, at no extra chrage... wait... no, it was for an extra charge.  I saw that my hutch was missing the following morning and Chad was in the bathroom picking throught the kitty litter divvying it up with Pretz (some times I canll him Pretza). "Okay this one's... mine?  Yours?  You take it."  I buy the boys 9 Lives and they were playing checkers with it.  Well, they were actually just eating it off a checkerboard... all three of them!  At the end of the fourth day, Chad told me that the cats didn't like me and he would need to complete their rehabilitation elsewhere.  I said I thought he had cured Squish, but he took both the boys anyway and stepped on my tv remote on the way out.  Several months later, I received a postcard and a photograph from Minnesota.  and all it said was, "COMPLETE SUCCESS!"                               
                                

Squish [top left] and Pretzel Log [right, standing... oh wait, sorry, bottom left, clawing the sign] demonstrating some behavioral techniques in the Twin Cities as part of the Chadhunt Sparkleballs Pan-American lecture series.

A year later Squish and Pretzel Log were sitting at my front door.  Squish smoked and Pretz had learned how to make a "tsk"ing noise, which he did constantly.  I am allergic to cigarette smoke and I was tired of constantly being judged, so I had them both put down. 

Thanks again and keep the cats coming!

Penelope "Penny" H.,
Deadmulch, OK"



An unaired scene from Andy's TV Special.