This latest endeavour with the cliche name is another selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website.  Enjoy.





(7/22/09)

[Editor's Note: This was a very surreal and vivid dream I had one night. It's very rare for me to remember dreams but this one was an exception]

I had a dream last night that a kind of a "Watchmen" style style angel spoke to me. She was blonde with milky skin. Her robes (or whatever) were a liquid iridescence of white and silver. Her eyes were full of compassion and had so much capacity for pity.

She looked at me like a concerned mother tending to a skinned knee. I was guarded and m heart raced.  I did not know if this was a divine intervention or just another religious zealot looking to convince one more god-less man.

I opened my lips to apologize to tell her that obviously I was the wrong man, and that I could not be reached. Before I could mutter a word I stifled myself as she preimminated I would. I wanted to tell her not to waste her time. Not out of humility but out of a satirical and skeptical eye.

She reached out to touch my face. It looked like we were underwater, her hand mixed and blended with the environment and I cowered from her touch. She looked at me with pity that a man in front of an angel could still find a way to be afraid.

She told me, "You will never be happy - ever." I did not speak knowing she could read either my mind, face or eyes.

I was shocked by her astute prediction. "Why me?" I thought looking defiantly at her beautiful face.

Her presence was overwhelming. A smiling face with a horrific white flowing mass contrasting the empty environment. It overtook everything around me, and I felt smothered and scared.

She spoke again sending a cold shiver of doom through my whole body, "You are too concerned with other people's problem, therefor, you will never be satisfied, you will never be content, you will never find complacence."

Something this harsh and I could not find it to be malicious. It was a simple fact to her, like reading an address. It was not a warning to change but a premature eulogy.

I weighed her words and I wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear. That "I would change", "I found God", or anything that I would believe to end this experience the quickest.

Her movement and eyes were no longer focused on me they were distant. Her movements were similar to an unattended video game character, methodical but predetermined.

I began to move away and her whole being focused on me again. Her mouth opened like a broken Chuck E Cheese robot. She growled, "You will never be happy, you will spend your life with other people's problems. You will never be satisfied."

I opened my mouth and said " ... but" and I stopped.

The awkwardness of the audible sound made me feel inferior. This either angered her or excited her as she spoke more frantically. "You will never be complete!"

My body coiled inside itself like a spring and I looked her the in the black pools of her eyes and braced for divine wrath. I simply said, "Good."


--Awake--

Paul